


nothing i can possibly be proud of

by canarysoiree



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Self-Harm, The Author Regrets Everything, this is just a vent fic tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:15:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25304380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canarysoiree/pseuds/canarysoiree
Summary: "No more sad songs!" he said. That he was only going to write songs that'll bring smiles to people's faces.So why was the only inspiration that came to him for sad songs...?
Relationships: Sena Izumi/Tsukinaga Leo
Comments: 6
Kudos: 63





	nothing i can possibly be proud of

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a vent fic i made because these days have been... hard. actually i dont think this fic has much to do with what im going through actually, but oh well
> 
> title taken from the song 'i think i just died' by guiano ft vflower
> 
> already said in the tags, but tw // descriptions of self-harm

Leo stared at the white paper sheet in front of him. Knights had a performance soon, and as always, he promised he’ll make a new song for the event just easily. That he’ll get it done super quickly because he had lots of ‘inspiration’ today. Or so he thought.

He hated writing sad songs. He hated how they reminded him of all the days he spent holed up on his room, trying to compose, because of course! People only love him because of the songs he makes. If he’s unable to make songs, then people won’t need him! So he had to force himself to write, even if his inspiration died somewhere among the countless battles Knights had against other units. Now that the War was over, he was able to be happier again and started to go back to school and unit activities. So everything should have been so much great and his precious inspiration should have come to him back, right?

Well, yes. But actually no. The only inspiration that crossed his mind lately was sad songs, the thing he despised the most. After all, songs are for putting smile into people’s faces! No one wants to hear a song about how miserable he is or about how much he’s suffered! That would be sooo stupid! Besides, it wouldn’t only make Leo remember of those depressing times, it would also hurt everyone around him. If Leo didn’t need to remember everything bad, others (read: Izumi Sena and the rest of Knights) didn’t need to, either. 

He picked up his pen, ready to write something that’ll make everyone happy, but when he was starting to write the notes, he had to think pretty hard. He wasn’t enjoying himself like this. The positivity wouldn’t come out no matter how hard he tried, it was starting to sound like one of those old songs he made for Knights when they were losing everything, with all this weird ways of putting a song together. Izumi said he didn’t like those, so without hesitation, Leo started over.

Minutes turned into hours, and hours into days. Knights needed to have the song ready by now or they wouldn’t have time to practice. Leo was pushing himself to his limit. He didn’t come to school for the last few days. He was probably worrying ever- Actually, no! He wouldn’t worry anyone! The only thing people would be worried about is about how the song’s going, right? Not about him, Of course they wouldn’t worry about him, why would they, even…?

He couldn’t write something happy, no matter how much he pushed himself. He started writing something on the side to ease his pain, and it went so much better. He wished he could turn that song in for the event, it would make everything so much easier. But people didn’t know he was still in pain. He couldn’t worry people anymore, he already caused too much trouble. So he’ll just throw away that song too. And the happier one that he was attempting to write as well. 

Leo didn’t do anything besides composing the whole day, unmoving on his desk chair. His paper can was already full, and there was uncompleted sheet music almost everywhere on the floor of his room. He was starting to fall asleep, but no, he couldn't fall asleep. It was almost the deadline day and he had made zero progress! 

Zero! Isn’t that pathetic? That’s what Leo thought, he couldn’t fall asleep. He gripped his pen against his skin, heavily scratching in. He wanted to cut, but he wasn’t dumb enough to do that when he had idol work and rumors to avoid. He couldn’t hurt Knights’ image. Even if those were not cuts and just heavy scratches, it hurt. It hurt so much. But that pain was nothing compared as to how disappointed would others be when they realise he hasn’t really started with his song. The pen kept scratching around his forearm, Leo tried not to gasp or make any reaction at all the damage he was inflicting onto himself. Actually, he probably was just going to fleed of the stage once the live starts, and the outfits were probably going to be long sleeved like always, so would it even matter if others weren’t going to notice…?

No, it won’t.

He picked up some random needle he had on his desk for this occasions, and it just felt he sunk into rock bottom again. And the song was still not done. Now everyone would be disappointed in both him and the song. Wait, didn’t people not care about him…?

He started laughing. Not too loudly so he wouldn’t wake his family up, but he was laughing. At how funny this was. At how funny the thought of someone caring about him was. He laughed and laughed, forgetting how in pain he was. Forgetting how horrible his arms looked and how the blood came out of the various cuts he just made. Actually, if this was so funny, where was his happy inspiration? Why couldn’t he still write something happy again? Why was he still feeling as bad as before?

Why wasn’t he happy…?

\---

Izumi wasn’t stupid. Izumi knew that Leo was going through _that_ again. It was as if he developed a sixth sense for this kind of things. He sucked at feelings and most of the time he let his pride overcome him, but this time he was not going to ignore his senses and emotions (or he’ll try not to), because he already did countless times and regretted every single one of them.

So when he went into Leo’s room, he wasn’t completely surprised at the sight before him. Leo on the floor of his room, forearms exposed and full of fresh cuts and some blood here and there, holding his pen against sheet music so hard it looks like the sheet would break at any harsh movement. Leo didn’t process Izumi’s presence until he noticed some light coming into the darkness that was his room. He looked at Izumi (not directly, he just raised his head a bit into his direction), and kept staring, blankly. What was supposed to happen now…? He just realized how bad his arms were, and how Izumi would scold him for not keeping clean for the live performance. But the thing he’d get mad at the most would be how the new song wasn’t finished yet. They couldn’t perform if they didn’t have a new song, after all! For Knights the number of members present was irrelevant, they just needed songs to use as weapons in their battles, like it always has been.

Leo was so deep on his thoughts he didn’t process how Izumi was now hugging him and quietly sobbing, telling him everything was okay.

… Huh, that was strange. The new song wasn’t done yet, why would he even be worried?

“Leo-kun? Leo-kun, please talk to me- Actually, you don’t need to talk but- Are you here?” Izumi asked. Leo could notice he was getting better at feelings, and that he was trying it on himself. Leo couldn’t get hurt anymore, so that’s probably why, right?

“... Sena?”

“Leo-kun! Leo-kun, thank god you can hear m-”

“Sorry, sorry! I don’t have the new song yet! You see, I… was abducted by aliens! Yet again! It’s unfortunate, I know! But fear not! The song I promised will be completed in no time!”

“Leo-kun”

“I was finally starting to make progress and the melody I had now it’s gone thanks to you barging in!”

“Leo-k-”

“So now go! It’s pretty late, isn’t it? You should be resting at home! You’re a model after all, you don’t want your face getting wrinkles and all those things you call ugly, wahahaha! So yeah, please ret-”

“Leo. Stop” Izumi finally said, interrupting Leo in his incoherent rambling 

“... Just stop, okay? I don’t know how many times I’ll have to remind you, but… You know that I- I mean, we love for who you are, and not for your songs. I came up to check on you because… Because I was worried, okay? I don’t wanna make the same mistakes I did before, I don’t wanna leave you alone and ignoring the problems. I’m sorry I did that… Now, Leo… It’s okay. I’m here for you. Just forget about the song, okay? You’re the most important now”

Leo didn’t answer. Haha, funny. Izumi being honest? That was a rare sight! Was this all a hallucination? Damn those aliens, sometimes they made him imagine pretty weird things… 

… That’s what Leo would usually think, but now, he was just so, so tired. So he held on tight to Izumi and let it all out. He cried, he vented, he told everything. Izumi listened, stroking his hair to calm him down.

Once everything wore down, Izumi treated all of Leo’s injuries, and then they just layed down on Leo’s bed, Izumi still holding Leo. Just when Leo thought Izumi was asleep, he said.

“Thank you, Izumi. For everything”

“... Hm. You don’t need to thank me. I said I’ll be your knight after all, right?”

“Yeah, I guess you did… But aren’t you supposed to he bishop in the group?”

“Oh shut up, now’s not the time to complain about those things…”

They laughed. But now, genuinely. Leo couldn’t say he was completely happy, but being with Izumi made everything so much easier

Leo was always smiling next to Izumi, after all. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!


End file.
